


Not A Side Effect

by annemari



Category: Bandom, My Chemical Romance
Genre: First Kiss, M/M, Sibling Incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-03
Updated: 2012-10-03
Packaged: 2017-11-15 13:31:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/527841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/annemari/pseuds/annemari
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"But," Gerard says, frowning. "But you hook up all the time."</p><p>Mikey scowls at the TV screen. "I don't."</p><p>"You do," Gerard insists, bewildered. "You're always disappearing at parties." At the parties that Mikey drags him to, at least.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not A Side Effect

**Author's Note:**

  * For [turps](https://archiveofourown.org/users/turps/gifts).



> Written for the trope meme prompt, "secretly a virgin". Thanks to **alpheratz** for looking this over for me!  <333

"But," Gerard says, frowning. "But you hook up all the time."

Mikey scowls at the TV screen. "I don't."

"You do," Gerard insists, bewildered. "You're always disappearing at parties." At the parties that Mikey drags him to, at least. "I've seen you go into bathrooms with dudes."

Mikey shrugs one shoulder. "Usually they just blow me," he says. "Or with girls, sometimes we just make out."

Gerard bites the inside of his mouth, thoughtful. He looks back to the TV—they're watching a Star Wars marathon. It's one of the Fridays when Gerard's home and Mikey's not out with friends, and Gerard thought it'd be just like any other movie night, but then Mikey had—

"Wait," Gerard says, and glances at Mikey. "Does that mean you've never kissed a dude?" It's not Mikey said, not as such, but it's there, hiding in the background.

"Just let it go, Gee," Mikey says, even though he's the one who brought it up. But Mikey looks closed off and tense. So Gerard bumps his shoulder and turns back to the TV.

But he doesn't stop thinking about it. He doesn't mean to, but he can't help it.

He can't focus on the movie, now that Mikey told him he's never blown anyone, never fucked anyone, never gotten fucked. Has never _kissed_ a dude, possibly, and Gerard feels off balance and confused and _wrong_ for even thinking about this, thinking about it in detail.

He'd decided early on—when Mikey got (objectively, always objectively) hot, when he told Gerard that he thought he was into boys as well—that he was, well. Having fun exploring, all that. Gerard had decided and vowed to never really think about it, no more than just to make sure Mikey was okay and safe. He wasn't supposed to think about it.

Mikey yawns and shuffles down on the bed, leans his head against Gerard's side. Gerard freezes.

Usually he'd bury his hand in Mikey's hair, massage his temples, but he _can't_ , not with the thoughts running through his head, not when the idea of grabbing Mikey's hair brings a whole different image to his mind.

"Uh," he says, and slowly inches away from Mikey. "I gotta piss."

Mikey mumbles something and curls up in the space Gerard left vacant. Gerard bites his lip and rushes to the bathroom.

He gasps when he sees his reflection in the mirror—his cheeks are flushed; eyes dark, pupils blown. He shakes his head, then buries his fingers in his hair and tugs at it. He takes a few deep breaths and tries to ignore his dick, tenting the front of his sweatpants. Fuck, he has to get himself under control.

"Gee?" comes Mikey's voice from the other room. "Can you bring me water?"

"In a sec," Gerard calls back, tries to keep his voice from shaking.

Fuck, there's no way he can get off here without Mikey hearing, and there's no way Mikey won't notice if he goes back out there with a semi. But—but maybe he won't. He looked pretty sleepy; if Gerard just gets him the water and then hightails it right out of there, it should be fine.

Gerard squeezes his eyes shut and does not, does not think about Mikey's lips. He feels sick, and one would think that'd make at least his dick calm the fuck down, but it fucking doesn't.

He shakes his head again, splashes water on his face and fills a glass for Mikey.

He slowly eases the door open, and, yeah, Mikey's on the bed, curled up, eyes closed. Gerard sets his jaw and quietly walks up to the bed, places the glass on the bedside table.

Mikey shifts and turns onto his back, stretches one of his legs out. The movement makes his shirt ride up a little, exposing a stripe of his lower belly.

"I—kitchen," Gerard chokes out. "I'll go get more snacks."

Mikey blinks his eyes open, but Gerard doesn't wait for him to say anything, quickly walks out of the room.

He doesn't go to the kitchen. He rushes to the main bathroom and jerks off, fast and desperate. Afterward, he gets in the shower and cleans himself up, washes every fucking inch. He feels like shit, feels dirty.

At least he can go back to his room and sit next to his brother and not be sporting a fucking boner.

~

Mikey's stolen all the pillows and has switched over to the food network.

"Hey." He frowns at Gerard. "Where's the food?"

Shit. "Uh. I couldn't find anything good," Gerard lies.

Mikey squints at him. "Why is your hair wet?"

Gerard runs a hand through it, self-conscious. "Uh. I showered?"

Mikey widens his eyes, then tilts his head. He nods. "Right," he says. "Shower." He pointedly looks away and Gerard curses himself for being so obvious and Mikey for being way more alert than earlier. But it's okay, it's fine, it's not like Mikey knows _why_ he was jerking off.

Gerard swallows hard and walks up to the bed, flops down on it. His stomach still feels weird and hollow, but it's fine. He's fine. "Food network?" he asks.

Mikey shrugs, his hair catching on the pillows. "I got hungry. You promised food."

"Right," Gerard says, and then, because he can't really lie to Mikey, "I actually forgot to look for it. Want me to go now?"

Mikey snorts and Gerard twists to look up at him. Mikey's eyes are amused behind his smudged glasses, and his hair is sticking up. Fucking. Bed hair. Gerard swallows.

A small crease appears between Mikey's brows. "What?"

Gerard quickly shakes his head and turns away. "Nothing."

"Gee—"

"Nothing, it's nothing." Gerard winces and closes his eyes. Shit, shit.

Mikey huffs. "You're being weird. Because of what I said, right?"

Gerard breathes out slowly, holds his body tense.

"I told you, I don't wanna talk about it," Mikey says, sounding tired.

"But you're the one who brought it up," Gerard says, then covers his face with his hands.

This is okay, though; he might piss Mikey off by being nitpicky, but at least he won't freak him out by blurting out why exactly he's s hung up about it.

"That doesn't mean I want to talk about it," Mikey says. "So just stop. Please?" His voice has gone quiet and sad, and fuck, Gerard can't let that happen.

He sits up and shuffles over to lean against Mikey, snakes his arm around Mikey's waist. "I'm sorry," he says. "I'm sorry, I will."

Mikey sighs and leans his head against Gerard's. "Okay."

Gerard tightens his hold on Mikey, says, "But if you ever want to talk—"

"Stop," Mikey explodes, and pulls away, gets off the bed and turns to glare at Gerard. "I said I didn't fucking want to. I told you just because I—I needed to tell someone, okay, I wanted you to—but just. Fuck."

Gerard blinks, shocked. "I'm—Mikey, I'm sorry."

Mikey breathes out harshly. "You already said that. I—fuck." He turns abruptly and storms out of the room.

Gerard's about to follow, is already off the bed, but he knows, he knows Mikey wants to be left alone when he blows up like this.

Fuck. Gerard runs a hand over his face and sits back down on the bed. He feel like shit, for pissing off Mikey, for...hurting him, unknowingly. For what he did earlier, for what a part of him is still thinking about.

Gerard groans and lies down, stares up at the ceiling, and wonders how long he should wait to go talk to Mikey. He switches the TV to a sci-fi channel and gets his sketchbook. He stares at it forlornly, then starts drawing.

The sketches are shit, but it clears his mind a little. Which means he has room to think, to mull over all he did, all that could have made Mikey act like he did, everything Gerard's doing _wrong_.

There's a thump, and Gerard looks up, a little startled. It's Mikey, standing near the doorway. Gerard blinks; he's not sure how much time has passed, but his eyes are a bit blurry and his hand is cramping.

Mikey's huddled near the wall, as far away from the bed as he can be, arms wrapped around himself.

Gerard drops the sketchbook on the bed and flexes his fingers. "Mikey?"

Mikey bites his lip. "I—sorry," he says, not looking at Gerard.

"No," Gerard shakes his head. "I was being pushy. I shouldn't have, okay."

"That's not—" Mikey starts, then stops and blows out a harsh breath. "I—" He cuts off again; Gerard sees him swallow hard. He inches forward on the bed.

"Mikey?"

"Do you want to know why I haven't done anything with guys?" Mikey blurts out. "If you—if you want to know, I'll tell you."

Gerard twists his hands together. "Do you want to tell me?"

Mikey shakes his head, pulls his arms even tighter around himself. "That's not how it works."

"Yeah, it does," Gerard says. "Hey, look at me." Mikey looks up at him; eyes wide and unsure. "If you want to tell me then I'll always want to know, okay. That's how it works."

Mikey breathes out slowly. It looks to Gerard like he's shaking, he's holding himself so tense.

"Hey, come here," he says, patting the bed. "Come on, Mikey. You know you can tell me anything."

Mikey takes a deep breath, and unfolds from his spot near the door. He slowly walks up to the bed and sits down on the foot of it. He looks down at his hands, twists his fingers together, untwists.

"Mikey," Gerard says, reaching for Mikey's hand, and Mikey looks up, right at him and Gerard stops.

Mikey's gaze is intense; his eyes are wide and red around the edges. 

Gerard swallows hard. "Mikey, what's wrong?"

Mikey's breath hitches, and he looks so _scared_ for a moment, but then it's gone, and he's leaning forward and pressing his lips to Gerard's.

It's barely a kiss at first, just pressure, and Gerard knows, he knows he should pull back.

Gerard lifts his hand and takes hold of Mikey's elbow, gently curls his fingers around it. He opens his mouth and Mikey makes a soft sound and presses closer, slips his tongue into Gerard's mouth.

Gerard moans and tugs Mikey closer, he can't, he can't not, and slips an arm around his waist.

But Mikey pulls back suddenly, pushes away from Gerard and curls up, his breathing ragged, arms wrapped tight around his legs.

"I'm sorry," Mikey says, mouth pressed against his knees, voice muffled. "I'm sorry, you said, you said that I, and I—fuck, Gee, I—"

"No, Mikey," Gerard says, and quickly shuffles closer, rests his hand on Mikey's lower back. Fuck, Mikey's shaking. "It's okay. Mikey, it's _okay_."

Mikey shakes his head, so Gerard sits even closer, wraps his arm around Mikey's waist. Mikey inhales shakily, and lets out a quiet sob. "I wanted it to be you," he says, voice barely audible. Gerard's throat feels tight.

Mikey turns to Gerard then; his eyes are wet and he wipes at them, smudging his glasses up more in the process. "I wanted it to be you," he tells Gerard, staring him right in the eye.

Gerard swallows. "Me?"

"The first guy I kissed," Mikey says. "I—I like girls, I do, but the first guy, I wanted it to—I know it—" He stops and shakes his head. "But I wanted it, I—want you." He blinks away tears, and Gerard's heart's in his fucking throat; he doesn't know what to _say_. He had no idea, that Mikey—that Mikey has thought about it, has—that he wants _Gerard_.

Mikey buries his face in his knees, says, "I wanted you to be the first guy I kissed, the first guy I— I'm sorry." He sounds hollow. "Gee, I'm _sorry_ ," and there it is, his voice breaking again, and Gerard shakes his head frantically and wraps both arms around Mikey, pulls him closer, pulls him halfway into his lap.

"It's okay," Gerard says and presses a kiss to Mikey's hair. "You don't have to be sorry, okay. It's okay." He rubs at Mikey's back, gently turns Mikey's head so he can kiss his forehead. "Don't be sorry."

Mikey inhales shakily. "You said you wanted to know, so I—I shouldn't, I know—"

"Mikey, stop," Gerard says gently and hugs him close. "Stop, it's okay."

Mikey pulls back a little, just enough that he can look Gerard in the eyes. "Do you promise?"

"Of course I do," Gerard says, presses another kiss to his forehead, then leans their foreheads together. "I promise. It's okay, it's gonna be okay. You're right, I did want you to tell me."

"You don't—" Mikey starts, then breaks off and sniffles. "You don't think that I'm—that I. I shouldn't want this," he says, desperate. "I shouldn't have kissed you, Gee, I'm so so—"

"Don't," Gerard says, and pulls away to press a kiss to Mikey's cheek, then looks him in the eye again. "I like that you did. I—I wanted you to."

Mikey's eyes widen. "You—really?" He sounds surprised, hopeful. Disbelieving.

"Yeah," Gerard nods. "Yes." There's no point in hiding it, there's no way he could hide it and live with himself, what with Mikey so sad and small in his arms. "I want you."

"Oh," Mikey says, and blinks, pushes his glasses up. "So you don't think that I'm—wrong."

"No, Mikey." Gerard trails his lips down the side of Mikey's face, presses a kiss to the corner of is mouth. "Never."

Mikey exhales, his breath hot against Gerard's mouth.

"Okay?" Gerard asks, and Mikey nods and buries his face in Gerard's neck.

"Yeah," he whispers, and clings to Gerard.

"Okay," Gerard says.

They stay like that for a while, just hugging each other, not saying anything, but Gerard knows that it will turn out fine. As long as they're honest with each other, it will be okay. It has to be.

Mikey pulls back after—Gerard has no idea how long. "I'm really tired," Mikey says, his eyes slowly falling shut, then opening again.

"Come on." Gerard shuffles them both up the bed, lies down and pulls Mikey with him. "Sleep."

They haven't really slept _this_ close to one another, not since they were little, not cuddling up this close, but Mikey still feels fragile in his arms and Gerard doesn't want to let him go. So he keeps his arms wrapped around Mikey, and Mikey curls further into Gerard's chest.

"Can I kiss you again in the morning?" Mikey asks, and Gerard presses his lips to Mikey's hair.

"Yeah," Gerard says. "Yeah, you can."


End file.
